In the past couple of days I have come to get an inkling of a mechanism in me that loves to suffer, can't get enough suffering, and works tirelessly to bring about further suffering. For me, it manifests mostly as anxiety. I used to have a huge sorrow, but now it's mostly guilt/shame and obsessive worrying. I don't think I have ever been honest about that before. It's just not a very flattering condition to admit to for me. I've had some fantasy that I'm more spiritual than that, that my faith is in better shape than that, but its not.
I've been dabbling into the work of Paul McKenna, a hypnotherapist from the UK. Today on MeTube, I watched him work with a woman who had OCD. The woman came to recognize that her obsessive cleaning would render her all alone in life, and she had to get more scared of alienating everyone and being all alone than she was of catching her death of cooties from allowing people in her home. She went time and again into victim thinking, that people were being too hard on her and asking too much of a sick woman. She finally either faked it to get off the hot seat, or actually started doing the excercises. Paul had her following a rigid schedule of self-nurture to trick her brain into changing obsessions, getting her in better shape by loving on herself a bit, and getting her out of the rigid coping-with-fear pattern. My obsession is not with keeping it clean, but rather with keeping it numb and manageable. I am becoming more afraid of what using will do to me in short order and more horrified with what it has already done than with what I might have to experience if mind-altering substance is refused altogether. Probably a rigid schedule of feel-good excercises would be in order for me as well.
I've been dabbling into the work of Paul McKenna, a hypnotherapist from the UK. Today on MeTube, I watched him work with a woman who had OCD. The woman came to recognize that her obsessive cleaning would render her all alone in life, and she had to get more scared of alienating everyone and being all alone than she was of catching her death of cooties from allowing people in her home. She went time and again into victim thinking, that people were being too hard on her and asking too much of a sick woman. She finally either faked it to get off the hot seat, or actually started doing the excercises. Paul had her following a rigid schedule of self-nurture to trick her brain into changing obsessions, getting her in better shape by loving on herself a bit, and getting her out of the rigid coping-with-fear pattern. My obsession is not with keeping it clean, but rather with keeping it numb and manageable. I am becoming more afraid of what using will do to me in short order and more horrified with what it has already done than with what I might have to experience if mind-altering substance is refused altogether. Probably a rigid schedule of feel-good excercises would be in order for me as well.
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