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It's been a few days in coming, but guess what? I have such a clear idea of what my main pain is, and boy is it special. It's the stuff that would make Oprah herself want to wrap it up and call it a life.
It arrived by stork this evening, just as I was going on hour #876 of solo parenting duty, meanwhile trying to do what I do and be who I be without major failure. I don't think I have been this angry with no place to go with it since I was about seven years old and getting my ass handed to me by my next eldest brother. I really felt like I was coming to pieces tonight, and in the midst of the crisis, I gave an excercise I recently picked up a whirl. What the hell...I am angry enough to murder, practically, so why not give peace a chance?
I started stream-of-consciousness-ing into a text message (which I promptly readdressed to my own phone--no sense in sharing this brand of love with someone who had simply asked "howz it go-n?"):
"I am in violent rejection of something about Andrei. He is the most out of touch person on the planet. So insensitive I think he is the undead. I feel like dismantling him. However, I am of the persuasion that any time we humans react to something in someone else, it is simply because we are loath to acknowledege that bit about ourselves. It is my own insensitivity that I can't and won't look at. He is simply mirroring it back to me and I cannot f***ing stand it. He is giving me a good look at an aspect of myself I actually (deeply) and desperately wish to acknowledge and integrate. It is within a hairsbreadth of my life purpose. Another 'I' (waking, surface?) hates this and wants to forget the whole matter. Problem is, I am miserable in my life to the exact same degree that I am resisting this: that I am just like him (and just like my brother and my mother, for that matter). I hurt others in the same way I feel hurt by him! I hate it. I am so deeply disturbed by this aspect of myself that I all but but can't look at it. What do I feel when I consider that I am just f***ing like him here?
Well...ok...
'that I am the worst human being that has ever walked the earth. I cannot be loved. I cannot be forgiven. I cannot be accepted. I am utterly wretched. I am worthless. I have relegated myself to oblivion. There's nothing else to do with me but reject me and let me disintegrate. I'm trash. I've wrecked and ruined myself. I am to blame for my own wretchedness.'"
So! No mystery why I've been using :)! Jesus and baby Mary.
It's been a few days in coming, but guess what? I have such a clear idea of what my main pain is, and boy is it special. It's the stuff that would make Oprah herself want to wrap it up and call it a life.
It arrived by stork this evening, just as I was going on hour #876 of solo parenting duty, meanwhile trying to do what I do and be who I be without major failure. I don't think I have been this angry with no place to go with it since I was about seven years old and getting my ass handed to me by my next eldest brother. I really felt like I was coming to pieces tonight, and in the midst of the crisis, I gave an excercise I recently picked up a whirl. What the hell...I am angry enough to murder, practically, so why not give peace a chance?
I started stream-of-consciousness-ing into a text message (which I promptly readdressed to my own phone--no sense in sharing this brand of love with someone who had simply asked "howz it go-n?"):
"I am in violent rejection of something about Andrei. He is the most out of touch person on the planet. So insensitive I think he is the undead. I feel like dismantling him. However, I am of the persuasion that any time we humans react to something in someone else, it is simply because we are loath to acknowledege that bit about ourselves. It is my own insensitivity that I can't and won't look at. He is simply mirroring it back to me and I cannot f***ing stand it. He is giving me a good look at an aspect of myself I actually (deeply) and desperately wish to acknowledge and integrate. It is within a hairsbreadth of my life purpose. Another 'I' (waking, surface?) hates this and wants to forget the whole matter. Problem is, I am miserable in my life to the exact same degree that I am resisting this: that I am just like him (and just like my brother and my mother, for that matter). I hurt others in the same way I feel hurt by him! I hate it. I am so deeply disturbed by this aspect of myself that I all but but can't look at it. What do I feel when I consider that I am just f***ing like him here?
Well...ok...
'that I am the worst human being that has ever walked the earth. I cannot be loved. I cannot be forgiven. I cannot be accepted. I am utterly wretched. I am worthless. I have relegated myself to oblivion. There's nothing else to do with me but reject me and let me disintegrate. I'm trash. I've wrecked and ruined myself. I am to blame for my own wretchedness.'"
So! No mystery why I've been using :)! Jesus and baby Mary.
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